Funniest email conversation ever - Part 2

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From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.
___________________________________________________________________

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

Funniest email conversation ever - Part 1

__________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Overdue account

Dear David, Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

__________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane, I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

__________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

___________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane, Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

__________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David, You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

__________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

_________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

_________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

__________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

_________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

__________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

__________________________________________________________________

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm

To: Jane Gilles

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Jane Gilles

Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

A fairytale in process.... Ummm No.

Ok, so yesterday`s post and "prediction" was not to be. Tom Watson came so close and we all suffered with him. All he needed was a par at the last to create history and surely something so historic that it would never have been beaten.

He played really good golf and gave us so much pleasure during the last few days. It was awesome to see an older guy stick it to the youngsters. The play-off though, was just a step too far. He was finished and when he missed that putt on the 18th, it was all over. Very sad but hey, he still has his name on the Claret Jug FIVE times. Don`t feel too bad for him.

A fairytale in process

It is now Sunday morning and The Open Championship is about to write the final chapter of the 2009 version at Turnberry. Now The Open isn`t just any tournament. It is the oldest major championship in golf (the 2nd oldest being our own South African Open!). It isn`t known as the BRITISH Open but just as The Open. It is a very, very special thing.

Legends of the game have won The Open and held aloft the famous Claret Jug. Gary Player, Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods, Ernie Els, Lee Trevino, Bobby Locke (South African with 4 Open Chamionships to his name) and the list goes on.

On this list you`ll find the name of a certain Mr Tom Watson 5 times. His first win was in 1975. He followed that up with wins in 1977, 1983,1980, 1982 and 1983.


He is 2nd on the list of all time Open winners behind Harry Vardon. Although it must be argued that Harry played in a time when there were much less, shall we say, competition. He also won 2 Masters and 1 US Open title to take his tally to 8 majors.

Tom Watson played in an era dominated by Jack Nicklaus and to a lesser extent Gary Player and Arnold Palmer. Keep in mind that these 3 are reckoned to be some of the best of all time and it becomes clear that 8 major titles is no small feat.

Now, coming back to The Open Championship and Turnberry. A certain Mr Tom Watson was the leader after the 1st round. We all got nostalgic but it was never gonna last. I mean the pros these days are super fit, with mechanically perfect swings, the best equipment, coaches, mind coaches, fitness coaches, media managers etc etc. You get the point.

But, after round 2 Mr Watson was still leading. To put that into perspective, the world best player, Tiger Woods failed to make the cut. Now, a 59 year old who recently had a hip replacement was leading. Once again, I thought 'nice story' but it could not possibly last.

Round 3 came and went and guess who was still leading? You guessed right, Mr Tom Watson.

So here we are, on the last day of the biggest major in the world. A 59 year old still the leader after 3 rounds. The oldest man to ever win a major was 48 years of age. Could it be?

I will be on the edge of my seat today, willing Tom on to the claret jug. These stories are so rare these days. A wily old campaigner who drives the ball about a 100 yards shorter than his younger counterparts but who has a silky putting stroke and wonderful short game. This is a fairytale in the making but instead of they all lived happily after the announcer will proclaim:

"and the Champion Golfer of the year, Mr Tom Watson"

Twitter vs Facebook

Admit it, we all have either a Facebook or a Twitter account. I was always kinda the Facebook man. Twitter didn`t appeal to me too much. I mean watching people`s status updates the whole day? That just sounded dumb.

So a few months ago I took the step and opened a Twitter account. Not sure what to do I typed in a little status update and sat back. A few days later I went back and updated again. Things is, it still looked pretty dumb to me.

Then one night I sat next to my dearest wife or as I refer to her these days, @hayleymalherbe. She mentioned that Ryan Seacrest was pretty cool to follow. Huh? You can follow celebrities? I immediately grabbed the laptop and started searching. This became a bit of a hobby over the next few weeks. I would go onto Ryan`s profile (as an example) and check who HE follows. Suddenly a whole world of celebrity comings and goings started opening up. I found some awesome celebs and sportspeople. Larry King, Ashton Kutcher, Andy Roddick, Ian Poulter, Joel Houston of Hillsong Church, Josh Groban, Pink, Richard Quest, Brooke Fraser etc etc.

I then found the South African angle. Bob Skinstad, Aki Anastasiou, Koula, Louise Carver, Duncan Mcleod, Arthur Goldstuck, Chris Roper, Dan Nicholl, Simon Dingle and a lot more. Now I could find out what each of them were doing at the touch of a button.

The next piece of the puzzle fell into place when I started following Skysports, News24, Mail & Guardian, Manchester United, WP Rugby and the like. You would know exactly what was going on in the world by merely hanging around Twitter.

I have also hooked up with a whole lot of blogging, real life and internet friends. Kevin (@thirdplace), Heather (@heather2nicolel), Prodigal John (@prodigaljohn), Wenchy (@wenchy), Jacki (@scrappintimes), Henre (@henre), 6000 (@6000), Rambler Clive (@ramblerclive), Kerri (kerriisacks), Sleepy Jane (@SleepyJane). You get the point.

I downloaded Tweetdeck for the laptop and Ubertwitter for my Blackberry. Traffic, not a problem. I`ll play on Twitter. Having said that, I probably won`t be stuck in traffic cos Aki keeps us updated continuously. I have had conversations with people like Koula, Chris Roper, Duncan Mcleod, Bob Skinstad and Simon Dingle.

Twitter has become a major part of every day. In fact, it`s the first thing I check every single day. It has become my preferred source of information. As an example, I learned about the whales at Kommetjie, the massive earthquake near NZ, the plane crash in Iran, Andrew Flintoff retiring from test cricket and the death of Michael Jackson from Twitter. Not CNN, SKY or, the Good Lord help us, the SABC but TWITTER.

So, where does Facebook fit in? It doesn`t. I`ll only go on if I get a "Friend Request". It just doesn`t feature anymore. It bores me to death.

Hopefully I`ll get to see all of you who read this post on Twitter one day. Give me a follow if you want. @RunningGolfer would love to see you...

The greatest of all time - part 2

Just a quick one.

Neal Manthorp is one of my favourite cricket writers. This is an excerpt from his latest article on Supersport and is not about cricket but about, you guessed it, Roger Federer.

"Then, after Devon, we stayed with friends and watched the Wimbledon final - the real one, on Sunday. What a game. What a champion. Not just the greatest player of all time, but one of the greatest sportsmen and one of the finest human beings.

At 7:20 am on Monday, the day after winning his record-breaking 15th 'major' by defeating Andy Roddick 16-14 in the fifth set, when Roger Federer should have been tucked up in bed or, at the very least making his heavily pregnant wife a cup of herbal tea, he was chatting to a reporter on BBC Radio Four's current affairs programme.

After a couple of minutes the interviewer, too, was struck by the anomaly and could no longer contain himself: "Why did you agree to do this interview?" he asked with a genuine sense of awe.
"Because," replied Federer, "many years ago I learned that journalists and reporters are merely a link between me and the people who support me and I am grateful for the chance you give me to speak to them." Bloody hell."

I rest my case, not just a great champion on the tennis courts but a true champion of a human being too.

South African Tourism - Questions from would be Tourists

These are questions asked from a local Tourism Website and the replies were made by the webmaster. Very funny!

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don 't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA ) >
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

The greatest of all time

We can now officially call Roger Federer the greatest tennis player of all time. Yesterday he passed Pete Sampras as the winner of the most Grand Slam titles. Incredible what a year can do? A year ago a lot of people were writing him off. He proved them wrong in a big way!

Well done Roger, you are a credit to the world of sport, a true legend and now officially the greatest player ever to grace the courts.

Chris Daughtry - Poker Face

First heard about this on Twitter, from the man himself. I obviously had to go check it out.

This is absolutely brilliant stuff! Just shows what a great musician Chris Daughtry really is.

By the way, things are still good. Been back in Joburg for almost 5 months. Can you believe it`s been that long? Somerset West and the Cape are just happy memories. Sometimes it feels like it never happened and that is was all just a dream. Albeit a dream swinging from the nightmarish to the absolutely sublime.

We will be back in Somerset West for a 5 day holiday at the beginning of August and I am so excited. Cannot believe how quickly the last almost 5 months have flown by. It will be awesome sleeping in our old house again. It is now a holiday home for the whole family. We are really fortunate that my Father-in-Law saw the potential in the place and decided to buy it from us. Now we`ll still get to spend time there every now and again.

I haven`t had a run in quite a while. Too busy working. I have picked up a lot of the weight I lost last year and feel horrible for it. Hayley reckons I look GOOOOOOD but I think she`s just making me feel better!

Anyways, I`m sitting at work at the moment and need to get a few things done. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do cos he really made it awesome!