The Inverted Mohawk

As I`ve mentioned before in my critically acclaimed post The Evolution of the Do, my hairstyle has been evolving. From a full head of hair to a head in 10 years. Incredible really. It hasn`t affected me as a person too much. You know the saying, What you lose on the swings, you make up on the roundabouts. That applies to me. Yes, I have lost hair, Yes I am able to name my remaining hair after all the members of a certain boyband and have a name left (it`s ok, it`s not like Robbie Williams belongs there anyway). But, I have also become more suave and intellectually superior to the puny weakling who used to wear a Ricky Schoeder middle path.

So that seamlessly brings me to my new hairstyle, The Inverted Mohawk. Not the mohawk made popular by one of the best method actors of his generation, Mr T. (I dare Robert De Niro to play BA Baracus with the same intensity or the same subtle nuances. It ain`t gonna happen Bob, you sucker fool).

No, my mohawk is inverted or well on it`s way to being inverted. I acknowledge that I`m not the first person to make this specific do fashionable. This was done by the Groot Krokodil a long time ago.

This photo (below) was taken last week when my gorgeous wife got back from Joburg. I admit, there is a slight case of hat hair but nothing can hide the fact that I`m on a downward spiral with regards the hair.


At least I got myself a hot wife before it was too late.

Evolution of the Do - The economic impact of the credit crunch

The evolution took a tricky turn the other day. Very much unplanned but like Rocky Balboa and Adriaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn, I can roll with the punches.

Basic economics is an interesting subject. Take my head for example. I have roughly 42 hair. If I had a smaller head (in square centimeters not in ego size) like, let`s say Jessica Simpson, those 42 hair would be enough to cover most of it. I could even have a fringe that starts a few centimeters above my eyes and not at the back of my head, maybe even a Man Perm. I digress, economics and my head.
It came to my attention that I was paying WAAAYYY too much to have my head shaved at my normal spot. I had to fork out R120 for this MASSIVE job. For my international readers, I have done a quick exchange rate calculation.

R120 = 14.66 US Dollar
R120 = 8.25 British Pound
R120 = 10.36 Euro
R120 = 18.49 Aus Dollar
R120 = 22.28 New Zealand Dollar
R120 = 53.38 Quatar Rial
R120 = 1538.69 Japanese Yen
R120 = 1,657,789,876,878 Zimbabwe Dollar

Now if I had the luxury of a full head of hair, I think that price would be reasonably fair. I don`t however, so the haircut works out to R 2.86 per hair! Suze Orman would soil herself and would have to go see Dr Phil for counseling. I do not wish that on anybody, let alone Suze who just wants to help me. So, we needed to make a plan.

And that is exactly what we did. Hayley and I bought a shaver. Not just any shaver, a round one that fits in the palm of your hand and which you can use to shave your own head. Incredible! I made a decision based on simple economics that would save us a lot of bucks. The shaver will pay itself off in roughly 2.67 shaves.

So, on Saturday night we get home, I whip the shaver out, chuck the Operating Instructions in the bin, plug it in, aim it down the middle of my head and away I go.

Now what I failed to do during all the excitement was check what number the attachment was. It was a very low number I soon found out, a very, very low number. All I could see was a lot of hair falling to the ground. I realised that something was amiss. So, I went to a mirror, which in hindsight (which is 20/20 by the way) I should have done to begin with.

This was what greeted me. Tah-Daaaaahhhh!

Ok, not the best move ever, I realise that now. The shock was so much that I had to take a step back and reassess things. I decided to wait until Sunday to make my next move, so this was the look I was rocking in my house on Saturday night.

I now know that errors in judgement cost me (see how I effortlessly threw the Economics thing into a sentence? "cost" - get it?). For starters I should have read the Operating Instructions. I did go fetch it out the bin. Unfortunately for me, the part that shows you how to "clean and reassemble" is covered in some kind of foodstuff. All I can make out is, "clean" and "BEWARE". Secondly, never ever do more than one thing at a time. "Thinking" and "shaving" are verbs and there`s 2 of them. I cannot multi task like that. So from now on, I am putting my brain in "sleep mode" until I`m done shaving. Thirdly, cut out the bit where it tells you how to "Clean and reassemble" before throwing the Operating Instructions away.

The most important lesson I learned from all of this? Do not make a decision based on Economics, you`ll regret it for a week, maybe two.

To get Hayley`s perspective on the situation, read this.

What if?

My post the other day got some very funny comments with regards Man Perms and Mullets from two of my friends, David and Kevin. That got me thinking, what would I have looked like with those cuts? I can in all honesty say I have never had the privilege of owning either. Firstly I have the straightest hair in the world and secondly I have a healthy brain.

I found this site a week or so ago and it`s really funny and worth a visit. So, without further ado, I present to you, the Man Perm (more Afro than perm but what the heck) and the Mullet as worn by me, the Running Golfer.

Evolution of the "do"

Ok, my wife thinks I`m crazy for doing this but oh well , so be it. I have decided to show you the evolution of my hairstyle. It is a story yet unfinished but I have a pretty good idea how it`ll end.

The part/y to the right

This was not so much a cut as a statement. The part to the right said "Yeah baby, I`m here and I`m ready to play". Obviously some parts of my body were growing faster than others. It was gonna be a long time before the rest of me would catch up with the ears and if I`m honest, it has never really caught up....

The Officer Tom Hanson

Remember 21 Jump Street and Johnny Depp`s character Tom Hanson? Well, I made it my mission to be the "Officer Tom Hanson" of Sasolburg. The amounts of gel needed were immense and I feel pretty much responsible for the success that Studio Line achieved here in SA. It also took a tremendous amount of time to get the fringe to stand at just the right angle. I played sick on windy / rainy days, just couldn`t face the world if the Tom Hanson was not perfect.

The Messy Sportsman

This look was perfect for sporty days. Here I am playing a rugby match and kicking for touch. What a sight. Perfection in motion some might say. Notice the hair, it has that "I am very serious about my sport but I don`t care about my hair on days like these" look. This look was perfected by after being tackled and struggling to your feet, you would take both hands and rub your head. Spectators, fans mostly, would then get extremely concerned. The hair, standing in all directions, emphasised the big hit you just took. Concern became as great a part as adoration in the crowd. Phrases like 'Oh, he`s so brave" were common.

The Gentleman

Perfect for serious occasions like a "Matric Farewell". The beauty about this look is that you can take The Messy Sportsman and turn it into this winner without too much trouble. In fact, the same cut was used. Incredible versatility! It had the same basics as the Officer Tom Hanson but was a bit more formal in nature ie. more structured lines. It is rounded off with a sophisticated look, which is perfectly illustrated on the accompanying photo.

The Middle Path aka A river runs through it

Middle paths were massive in the early 90`s. In fact, it was bigger than massive. I don`t know another word for massive but it was enormous. Here I am sporting The Middle Path which I fondly named "A river runs through it" after seeing the movie by the same name and noticing the similarities. I had gone natural and Studio Line started it`s slow economic decline. Also notice the size of the chin. It had now decided that it needed to catch up with the ears and unfortunately I was the canvas upon which this race was taking place.

The U can`t touch this

This look took a long time to perfect. It says "I don`t care" but takes some serious time to get right. You could not use any product or tools on it, just your God given fingers and a mirror. If it did not look perfect when it had dried, you had to take another shower and start the process all over again. Sometimes it took numerous showers and 2 - 3 hours before the look was complete. Notice how I complimented the look by closing my eyes when I was being photographed? This also doubled as a statement against consumerism and fits in with the new natural me.

The Hippie Bob

It took the normal Bob a bit further and added a hippie element. Not something you thought possible, hey? The clean lines of a Bob and the unrefined hippie look? I know, I was probably ahead of my time. Once again, the do encapsulated both the country`s political awakening and my social commentary of the time with the added benefit of hiding my ears, sort of. The colour of the bandanna has no significance at all.

The Soft at Sunset (SAS)

This look is perfected by the finish of the photograph. It emphasises the soft lines of the haircut. Notice how the setting sun creates a halo effect around me. I look almost angelic. Also notice how my body had caught up with my ears. The chin had given up by now and realised that it would never be as big a part of me as my ears. I really loved the SAS and would definitely have kept it going if I could. Magnificence at sunset....

The Inevitable

Throughout the Evolution of the do, it has always been The Inevitable that was bound to come out victorious. Call it genetics or whatever but I was always going to have to bow to The Inevitable. This cut is more out of necessity than out of want. My forehead has been getting bigger since I was in my twenties. For some reason I always felt like my forehead was creeping up on the back of my head. Then I woke up one morning and tried to do the Officer Tom Hanson but found that a fringe comprising all of 12 hair could not complete the look. I was devastated. Fortunately I had taken a wife, so ending up alone in an old age home with The Inevitable as my only companion was not gonna happen. Notice the chin trying to make a comeback....